The Creative Space of Natalie Krill 


My Step father was my rock. It has taken me 4 years to process his sudden passing and it continues everyday as I am reminded of him. We all lose people that are close to us. Loss is a thread that connects us all. In this piece, I speak to my journey with grief. It is a never ending journey that provides countless realizations about life and loss.

“Grief,I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give, but cannot. All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.” - Jamie Anderson

GRIEF, I’ve learned

Is really like a journey you can’t see until you get through to the other side

It is mysterious

It plays in the subconscious

Reflecting on my 4 years living with grief

I can now see

How I ran away

How I closed off from the world


Afraid, it would take more things that I love away from me

So I shut off the feeling

It’s an ocean of emotion

And when I touch it

It’s a lot

But this journey has a life of it’s own

It’s not under my control

I’ve tried

I’ve tried to do all the right things to honour the process

To honour the loss

I’ve meditated

I’ve raged

I’ve celebrated

And I’ve cried

Oh I have cried

But it’s never been under my control

Although these efforts help

They do support the process

But she is a wild one

And just when I feel I’ve tamed the horses

They buck and take a sharp turn

So, I’m gonna stop

I am going to stop digging my heels in

I am going to let her have her ride

I am going to stop resisting that she is me

How can I integrate

Can I let her flow through me

Because the grief will always be there

How can I learn to dance with it

How can I learn to transform it

Can I allow it to shape me into what would make him proud?

I cannot deny how badly I want that

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