My Step father was my rock. It has taken me 4 years to process his sudden passing and it continues everyday as I am reminded of him. We all lose people that are close to us. Loss is a thread that connects us all. In this piece, I speak to my journey with grief. It is a never ending journey that provides countless realizations about life and loss.
“Grief,I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give, but cannot. All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.” - Jamie Anderson
GRIEF, I’ve learned
Is really like a journey you can’t see until you get through to the other side
It is mysterious
It plays in the subconscious
Reflecting on my 4 years living with grief
I can now see
How I ran away
How I closed off from the world
Fearful
Afraid, it would take more things that I love away from me
So I shut off the feeling
It’s an ocean of emotion
And when I touch it
It’s a lot
But this journey has a life of it’s own
It’s not under my control
I’ve tried
I’ve tried to do all the right things to honour the process
To honour the loss
I’ve meditated
I’ve raged
I’ve celebrated
And I’ve cried
Oh I have cried
But it’s never been under my control
Although these efforts help
They do support the process
But she is a wild one
And just when I feel I’ve tamed the horses
They buck and take a sharp turn
So, I’m gonna stop
I am going to stop digging my heels in
I am going to let her have her ride
I am going to stop resisting that she is me
How can I integrate
Can I let her flow through me
Because the grief will always be there
How can I learn to dance with it
How can I learn to transform it
Can I allow it to shape me into what would make him proud?
I cannot deny how badly I want that